I feel so ugly. So worthless. So disappointing. It's as if my life is a pointless struggle against humanity. Like no matter what I do, there will always be hatred, sorrow, loneliness, pain.
The hint of failure.
Who could love someone like this low-life piece of garbage? Does God even care, or am I just damned to hell? Will I always feel like a hopeless rat?
Can I survive?
I hate that I am like this! That I have to hold in my heart blood I wish was on the ground! I loathe the feeling of worthlessness!
This world sickens me!
Love seems to have left. Where does love seep its way into this? I cannot see it!
Yet true love beckons...
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Lies[?]
who cares...
you're not worth anything...
you suck...
fail... again...
you're so stupid...
just another screw up...
why are you so freakin ugly...
you're such a fag...
you are so weird...
no one loves you...
So many lies... but here is the truth.
who cares... [if we live life loud.]
you'renot worth anything... EVERYTHING.
yousuck...ROCK.
fail EPIC WIN... again...
you're sostupid... cReAtIvE.
just another screw up... wonderful smile :D
why are you sofreakin ugly... beautiful.
you're such a fag... You are who you want to be.
you are so weird... But so am I.
no one I loves you...
you're not worth anything...
you suck...
fail... again...
you're so stupid...
just another screw up...
why are you so freakin ugly...
you're such a fag...
you are so weird...
no one loves you...
So many lies... but here is the truth.
who cares... [if we live life loud.]
you're
you
you're so
why are you so
you are so weird... But so am I.
Friday, November 13, 2009
To Write Love on Her Arms
Today is my tribute to National To Write Love on Her Arms Day, November 13th, 2009. Friends all over my school wrote the word LOVE their arms today. (Personally, I wrote it at least 10 times on my left arm, and 4 people wrote LOVE on my right arm, and I'm still getting more!!! I'll upload pictures later.)
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that ministers to people dealing with, involved with, or inquisitive about Depression, Self-Injury (SI), Addiction, and Suicide, particullarly teens. They seek to support, encourage, inform, inspire, and provide a route to recovery.
It all started with a 19-year-old girl named Renee, right here in Orlando. I encourage you to read the AMAZING story of how this organization started: http://www.twloha.com/vision/story/
This is a wonderful site. Please, if you are struggling with this, look at this site. It's so encouraging, inspiring, and over-powering. I know what depression is like. I live it every single day of my life. So trust me when I say this organization has helped save my life.
I wish to include some personal notes to some of my TWLOHA friends:
Jenn: <3 check your mailbox soon sweetie! Hang in there! -HUGZZ-
Danielle: I miss your beautiful personality and dazzling smile!! Write to me!!
Chelsea: I am going to write to you soon. You are a wonderful girl and I hope the world is for once treating you how you deserve.
Star: MISS YOU!!!
Sara: Strength is how well you hide the pain, Maturity is how well you show it. Don't be afraid if you aren't strong. <3
Keri: I miss you and talking to you about Twilight! GO SEE THE MOVIE!! lol.
TO ALL OF YOU-- I LOVE YOU!!!! PEACE OUT SUCKAS!!! <3
To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that ministers to people dealing with, involved with, or inquisitive about Depression, Self-Injury (SI), Addiction, and Suicide, particullarly teens. They seek to support, encourage, inform, inspire, and provide a route to recovery.
It all started with a 19-year-old girl named Renee, right here in Orlando. I encourage you to read the AMAZING story of how this organization started: http://www.twloha.com/vision/story/
This is a wonderful site. Please, if you are struggling with this, look at this site. It's so encouraging, inspiring, and over-powering. I know what depression is like. I live it every single day of my life. So trust me when I say this organization has helped save my life.
I wish to include some personal notes to some of my TWLOHA friends:
Jenn: <3 check your mailbox soon sweetie! Hang in there! -HUGZZ-
Danielle: I miss your beautiful personality and dazzling smile!! Write to me!!
Chelsea: I am going to write to you soon. You are a wonderful girl and I hope the world is for once treating you how you deserve.
Star: MISS YOU!!!
Sara: Strength is how well you hide the pain, Maturity is how well you show it. Don't be afraid if you aren't strong. <3
Keri: I miss you and talking to you about Twilight! GO SEE THE MOVIE!! lol.
TO ALL OF YOU-- I LOVE YOU!!!! PEACE OUT SUCKAS!!! <3
Left for Love to Find
From forests deep the shadows flee
Screaming songs of horror cold
Knowing not what night may bring
Silent stars streak 'cross the sky
Leaving fading marks of gold
For what is seen in darkness black
But evil, darkened, deadly sights
Shadows left silence still
Fading from existance sly
Leaving with the long-lost lights
Where shall lonely shadows stive
When sunshine slips and heaven hides
They run, they flee, they sink their souls
In sands of turning, tacid time
Yet even sparkling lightning dies
And shadows vanish all around
Not one voice is left behind
The planets turn
And shadows sit
Left for lonely love to find
Screaming songs of horror cold
Knowing not what night may bring
Silent stars streak 'cross the sky
Leaving fading marks of gold
For what is seen in darkness black
But evil, darkened, deadly sights
Shadows left silence still
Fading from existance sly
Leaving with the long-lost lights
Where shall lonely shadows stive
When sunshine slips and heaven hides
They run, they flee, they sink their souls
In sands of turning, tacid time
Yet even sparkling lightning dies
And shadows vanish all around
Not one voice is left behind
The planets turn
And shadows sit
Left for lonely love to find
Monday, November 9, 2009
Trials
When Death and Darkness
Try Their Might
Wave Their Flag
Show Their Spite
Where Heroes Fall
And Sunlight Fails
Lightning Strikes
Thunder Rails
Love Will Always
Take a Stand
Give a Hug
Lend a Hand
And HOPE Prevails....
Try Their Might
Wave Their Flag
Show Their Spite
Where Heroes Fall
And Sunlight Fails
Lightning Strikes
Thunder Rails
Love Will Always
Take a Stand
Give a Hug
Lend a Hand
And HOPE Prevails....
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A New Direction
I am cutting off my connection from the world....
Or at least from social networking sites such as Facebook, MSN, and did I mention FACEBOOK????
I am like... a Facebook addict. I update my status with quotes, links, song lyrics, tags, lines, and even random crap like TURTLE (THE GAME) and PENIS and WEESNAW. I constantly chat with people, send messages, write on group walls, and make notes. I share photos and videos, putting practically my whole life on a website....
In fact, I basically live on Facebook.
My family (along with myself) has decided that this is not helping me build "healthy, personal relationships with others." So we have decided to pull the plug until the end of my junior year (sooner if I get lucky).
However, I have convinced my dad to let me keep YouTube and our RoadRunner email (which does not have chat functions) and I am going to update my blog from school. I can still use the telephone and I might have my driver's licence soon.
I am hoping I will be able to write to my friends from TWLOHA, who I love and adore and cling to every day of my life. <3 I love you guys!!!!
I am sad that I have to do this, but I feel it is necessary. I will be in touch with everybody as much as I can. If you have me on Facebook, you have my phone number and possibly my address. Call me and write me! Please!!! I will not get text messages, but I will honestly talk to you. Don't leave me behind....
I march into the unknown future.....
Or at least from social networking sites such as Facebook, MSN, and did I mention FACEBOOK????
I am like... a Facebook addict. I update my status with quotes, links, song lyrics, tags, lines, and even random crap like TURTLE (THE GAME) and PENIS and WEESNAW. I constantly chat with people, send messages, write on group walls, and make notes. I share photos and videos, putting practically my whole life on a website....
In fact, I basically live on Facebook.
My family (along with myself) has decided that this is not helping me build "healthy, personal relationships with others." So we have decided to pull the plug until the end of my junior year (sooner if I get lucky).
However, I have convinced my dad to let me keep YouTube and our RoadRunner email (which does not have chat functions) and I am going to update my blog from school. I can still use the telephone and I might have my driver's licence soon.
I am hoping I will be able to write to my friends from TWLOHA, who I love and adore and cling to every day of my life. <3 I love you guys!!!!
I am sad that I have to do this, but I feel it is necessary. I will be in touch with everybody as much as I can. If you have me on Facebook, you have my phone number and possibly my address. Call me and write me! Please!!! I will not get text messages, but I will honestly talk to you. Don't leave me behind....
I march into the unknown future.....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Hope Holds
There is in foreign forests far
A lasting longing loving light
That saves from sacred searing scars
Never needing more than night...
To shine...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Lo Que Soy
This song speaks to me with beauty and passion, especially in the graceful language of Spanish. I've decide to try to learn it and sing it, soon. :) Click on the link to hear it.
Lo Que Soy
Desde muy niña siempre actué
Con timidez
Con el miedo de decir
Todo de una vez
Tengo un sueño en mí
Que brillando está
Lo dejaré salir
Por fin tú sabrás
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Sabes lo que es estar
En esta oscuridad
Con un sueño de alcanzar
Ser estrella y brillar
Si parece estar
Tan lejos hoy de aquí
Tengo que creer en mí
Solo así sabré
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Eres esa voz que habita en mí
Por eso estoy cantando
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte
Eres lo que falta en mi
Canción dentro de mí
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Lo que soy
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Lo Que Soy
Desde muy niña siempre actué
Con timidez
Con el miedo de decir
Todo de una vez
Tengo un sueño en mí
Que brillando está
Lo dejaré salir
Por fin tú sabrás
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Sabes lo que es estar
En esta oscuridad
Con un sueño de alcanzar
Ser estrella y brillar
Si parece estar
Tan lejos hoy de aquí
Tengo que creer en mí
Solo así sabré
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Eres esa voz que habita en mí
Por eso estoy cantando
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte
Eres lo que falta en mi
Canción dentro de mí
Quiero encontrarte
Voy a encontrarte
Lo que soy
Es real
Soy exactamente la que debo ser hoy
Deja que la luz
Brille en mí
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Lo que soy
Ahora sí, sé quién soy
No hay manera de ocultar
Lo que siempre he querido ser
Lo que soy
Monday, October 5, 2009
Letters to the Lost
This was taken from an old letter and a recent note I wrote to a friend who almost killed herself one night. I think we all need to listen to that voice telling us this:
Sweetie... listen to me.
i love you
so much
you're worth so much
i don't know how to show you
your beautiful smile
your dazzling light
your shining soul
you are worth SO MUCH
i cant even describe.
I know you feel like the moon is in darkness- but its just an eclipse. it passes. even though there will always be a dark side of the moon, it still shines brighter than anything. You are a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, awe-inspiring, one-of-a-kind moon, and i hate to see you falling from heaven.
Just remember that there are forces to pick you back up.
*hugz* it'll be ok.
...it can ALWAYS get better.
Trust me :)
I've been at places where it couldn't get any worse, and it did. I've cut, I've hurt, I've cried, I've taken meds, taken more advil than i can remember, sleeping pills, etc. I've written a 5 page suicide letter. Ive run away who knows how many times. I've been threatened with being taken to a mental hospital 5 times, getting arrested, and being sent to Maine to a residential place. Ive cut intending to bleed to death.it can ALWAYS get better sweetie. always.
The moon always shines in the darkness, you just have to open your eyes before you jump off the edge of the world...
Sweetie... listen to me.
i love you
so much
you're worth so much
i don't know how to show you
your beautiful smile
your dazzling light
your shining soul
you are worth SO MUCH
i cant even describe.
I know you feel like the moon is in darkness- but its just an eclipse. it passes. even though there will always be a dark side of the moon, it still shines brighter than anything. You are a beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, awe-inspiring, one-of-a-kind moon, and i hate to see you falling from heaven.
Just remember that there are forces to pick you back up.
*hugz* it'll be ok.
...it can ALWAYS get better.
Trust me :)
I've been at places where it couldn't get any worse, and it did. I've cut, I've hurt, I've cried, I've taken meds, taken more advil than i can remember, sleeping pills, etc. I've written a 5 page suicide letter. Ive run away who knows how many times. I've been threatened with being taken to a mental hospital 5 times, getting arrested, and being sent to Maine to a residential place. Ive cut intending to bleed to death.it can ALWAYS get better sweetie. always.
The moon always shines in the darkness, you just have to open your eyes before you jump off the edge of the world...
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